So I am feeling compelled to write this blog post this morning ( Endometriosis and Dating in Your 30s ), so here I am sat in my usual writing spot (the corner of Waitrose cafe!) hair not brushed (it looks like an old backcombed wig found in a charity shop), in my fave stretchy yoga pants drinking black coffee (caffeine free I like to add!) and feeling a right old mixed bag of emotions!
I woke up feeling lonely but also content (I am the most singlest I have ever been!) I mean I am the singlest pringle in the world! Not even any love interests or a fella to flirt with. I have spent the last few years (like 6 of them!) looking for ‘the one’ via online dating and boy what a fuckin horrible place that is! It is defiantly not a place which encourages you to live a life from self love. And I am sat here thinking ‘ow I really wish I had found my fella by now as there is so many places I want to travel to with them.’ But then also realising that I have been going about it all wrong. Well, the point is I don’t think you should try and go about it at all! The best things, people and experiences that have ever come into my life have come when I have not been looking for them, let along swipping right for them!
Now lets through Endometriosis into the mix, as I defiantly think this has had a huge impact on my dating and love life. It has injected a sense of urgency as times a ticking on the baby front, on the having a hysterectomy front (still doing everything I can to avoid this!), so I have been in panic mode! I mean big fat alarm bells ringing panic mode! I have been going about it like it was a target I was given at work, I might as well of had a project plan and gant chart! And did I reach my target? hell no! The only thing I achieved was a heightened sense of anxiety and really bad decision making on the men I was choosing to spend my time with and give my energy to. It didn’t help that all the Endometriosis and Adenomyosis Doctors and Surgeons said to me that I needed to hurry up and have a baby! I mean what a thing to say to a women! Every time they said this, it was like a kick in the teeth for womb and my heart as both were empty and they were highlighting it.
Then I hit 30! Big fat scary 30! No soul mate, no baby, no self love…. and I really fucked up 30 and 31, I broke the heart of a really lovely man, I had my heart broken, I collapsed at work and took a trip in an ambulance to A & E, spent 18 months in a morpheme induced pain daize, and became suicidal (first time I have admitted this). Then it all began to change…I quit an amazing but highly stressful job, I brought a flat, I brought a car, followed the endo diet, I went plant based, I switched my beauty products to chemical free and vegan, came off all pain killers, I started Endo Self Love Club, I went to Bali and Goa and trained in Ayurveda and Yoga….but the one thing I didn’t switch up was my attitude towards dating and finding my life partner. My approach to finding ‘the one’ is the last big ‘self love switch up’ which I have not done anything about, and it was so glaringly obvious that something needed to be done about it, but only this morning have I realised this (talk about last one to the party!).
Ow and I don’t know about any of you, but this sense of ‘ow I really want to travel to x but I don’t want to go on my own, I want to go with a fella’, well…I was stuck in this rut for years, and then travelled to Goa and Bali and had the most amazing time, met the most amazing people and grew as a women. But…I felt myself getting stuck in this rut again this morning. You see I have let my flat out until April next year, thats a huge 10 months of freedom I have on my horizon where I can be anywhere in the world! But I found myself thinking ‘maybe I should just stay still and concentrate on finding a local man to settle down with’ etc etc, but what I really want to do is go to Greece for 2 months, then onto Bali for 2 months and then go from there but I was thinking about not doing this as I was single and maybe should wait to travel again when I have met a fella to go with…hell no! Writing this blog post has really helped me reflect on my bonkers thought processes and straighten myself out. No more waiting to enjoy this one and very short life we have, no more staring into my phone thinking ‘ow I wonder if he likes to travel and likes to read?’
So before I order my next coffee and click ‘publish’ on this blog post, I am going to delete the dating apps and the dudes I have stored in my phone under names such as ‘Andy Bumble’ or ‘Mat Tinder’ or ‘ Hugh PoF’ and just go with the flow and stop trying/planning/panicking about it all.